“Don’t do too much,” said my mentor, Daniel, a master teacher and excellent parent. It was this advice that first made me realize the surprising truth about tiger moms and college admissions.
To this day, it still remains the best piece of parenting advice that I’ve ever heard, especially for the achievement-oriented parents that I work with. And yet, even I found this advice puzzling at first. Doing more shows concern and dedication, no? How much is too much?
But as time went on, I found wisdom in his advice. At the root of tiger parent behavior is the fear your child won’t be successful enough if you don’t push them (and their teachers). Understandably, that kind of fear and anxiety drives parents to do more, especially when other parents are constantly showing off what they’re doing.
Tiger Parenting Stifles the Curiosity and Passion that Top Colleges Look For
Although some children may benefit from strict tiger parenting, the majority of students that I’ve worked with don’t need or benefit from it. These students may not all have the best grades or SAT scores. But they have enough drive and discipline to get through school without a tiger parent pressuring them.
Tiger parents believe that if they stop hounding their children, the children won’t do enough work. Sure, that may happen to some extent. Keep in mind that getting perfect grades isn’t necessary for good colleges. But more importantly, most students still do something even if their parents aren’t pushing them. They will find work that they engage with in a meaningful way. Even better, they will feel the sense of agency needed to develop a genuine interest in a subject.
These days, pressuring your children into getting top grades, scores, and awards isn’t enough. Too many students have all that. To claim a spot at a top college, students need to show the world that they care about more than achievement and success. They need to convince everyone that they want to help others, make new intellectual contributions, or change the world for the better.
But they’ll have a hard time doing that if all they think about is pleasing their tiger parents. And don’t get any ideas about forcing anyone to be innovative or passionate. You can certainly tell your child, “You better get an A in chemistry next semester. Or else you’re grounded.” But can you imagine saying, “You better convince everyone you have a genuine fascination with physics. Come up with a ground-breaking idea or else.”
Tiger Parenting Doesn’t Impress Teachers
Not only does tiger parenting stifle a student’s curiosity or passion, tiger parenting makes teachers believe that students aren’t truly self-motivated or entirely deserving of their achievements. That’s the irony of tiger parenting. Doing so much to help your children do better at school can actually backfire.
By all means, I think that parents should get involved at school and get to know the teachers. Some of the best parents I’ve ever met would regularly meet with their children’s teachers. There are even times when you should absolutely advocate for your children.
Understandably, lots of parents ask me, “How much is too much?” And of course, there are no hard and fast rules that dictate whether or not a parent is doing too much. But I’ll bet you’d know it when you see it. Because we’ve all met that tiger parent before. You know, the one who contacts the teachers nearly every day, patrols the hallways frequently, or complains to the administration every time her child doesn’t win an award. If that doesn’t paint a clear enough picture, here’s a story about the first tiger mom I ever met.
The Truth about Tiger Moms and College Admissions: A Story
I met Janie’s* mom because Janie and I went to the same high school. Janie’s mom, like my mom, were immigrants from Taiwan, who had to build a life in the US without family or connections. Life was stressful. We lived in a predominantly white town that didn’t welcome us outsiders. Our moms had to speak in their non-native language, while learning to navigate life in a new country. Because every day was a battle for them, the education of us children was of utmost importance. They believed that only by going to a top college could we successfully live in the US.
For many reasons, I admired her mom’s devotion to Janie and her siblings. She drove them everywhere, not letting them drive in high school. She cooked every meal for them, never eating out. In addition, she dropped off their homework at school if they had forgotten to bring it. At least once a week, I saw her walking through the hallways of our high school to chat with administrators or teachers. Sometimes the talk was congenial, and other times adversarial.
She advocated for her kids at every step, so that they would get the best grades, leadership positions, or awards. It got so intense that she even sued the school district over a policy that didn’t work in Janie’s favor. Janie sang very well. But to enter the state choir, she needed to first join the school choir. Problem was that our school required all school choir members to join an additional small after-school choir group, all of which took lots of time away from homework.
Then Janie’s mom did everything she could to allow Janie to attend the state choir without joining the after-school choir group. In the end, she sued the school. The school eventually agreed to make an exception for Janie as long as her mom dropped the lawsuit, figuring that it was easier to give in than to continue battling a tiger mom.
Tiger Parenting Wastes Time and Energy
Eventually, Janie got into an Ivy League school, so you might think that Janie’s mom was vindicated for all her tiger parenting. But interestingly, several other students in our class did just as well as Janie did without a tiger mom advocating for them. For example, our classmate, Warren*, who was equally matched in intellect and grit, even joined the after-school choir group and ended up going to the same Ivy League school as Janie did.
In other words, Janie probably would’ve ended up in the same place even if her mother hadn’t done all that. Maybe she could’ve gone further if she hadn’t been perceived as being pushed ahead by her mom. If that’s the case, then what was it all for?
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Given the mounting evidence that tiger parenting doesn’t benefit your children, why choose to spend your limited time and energy punishing them over grades? And what’s the point of going around school intimidating the teachers now that you know the truth about tiger moms and college admissions? There are better ways to ensure that your children receive a good education. Just ask the mother ducks.
*This name has been changed to protect the identity of the individual.
Note: The term ‘tiger mom’ is used this article because it is a widely used term in popular media. However, ‘tiger mom’ can be used interchangeably with ‘tiger parent’ or ‘tiger dad’ as well.
The Truth about Tiger Moms and College Admissions
Dr. Kao is the Principal Adviser at Motivont, specializing in college admissions counseling and research for seniors G12. She has worked with 1000+ students in her 16-year career in education. In addition, she has evaluated applications for the Stanford Undergraduate Admissions Office. Dr. Kao holds a Stanford BA, Columbia MA, and Harvard PhD. For more info, visit motivont.com.
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