“She’s such a tiger mom,” said Debbie’s husband, referring to the lessons in math, English, swimming, and piano that Debbie had arranged for their six-year-old son.
Debbie, a 39-year-old finance executive, smiled at her son and said, “How else are we going to get into Harvard?”
In my 16-year career in education, I’ve met plenty of tiger moms like Debbie who believe that tiger parenting is the best way to raise successful children. For them, every post on Facebook involves something that that their child has accomplished. Every time their child gets an A- they complain to the teacher.
But many people don’t realize that tiger parenting has real downsides. I’m not even talking about children developing low self-esteem or anxiety. Despite what The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom says, tiger parenting actually hurts students when applying to colleges.
How tiger moms and dads can hurt students in the college admissions process
Any college admissions officer can tell you that top students typically have one thing in common on their teacher recommendations. Top students are praised for being self-motivated and showing a true passion for their work. This is because American culture celebrates people who do what they love. It also discourages people who do something to get a reward or please their parents.
You may be hounding your child and your child’s teachers about grades in order to help your child. But that behavior is making the teachers discount your child’s efforts. First, if you’re so involved, the teachers may think that your child doesn’t do all of the work on his/her/their own. Second, your child will likely focus on getting good grades instead of developing a true passion for anything. None of this helps improve teacher perceptions of your child.
Perhaps you think arguing for better grades is still more important than teacher perceptions. Yes, getting good grades is important. But getting a 98 vs. a 93 or being top 1% vs. top 5% doesn’t usually matter. Admissions officers rarely notice students for having top grades because everyone has top grades.
On the other hand, a strong teacher recommendation can push your application to the top of the pile. It’s difficult to verify what students write in their applications, so admissions officers look to teacher recommendations to prove what students write is true. Also keep in mind that top schools get tons of applications from students with top grades and extracurriculars. To choose between all of these highly qualified applicants, admissions officers often look to teacher recommendations to understand the student’s character and drive in order to make the final decision.
Goodbye tiger mom, introducing mother duck
If not tiger parenting, then what? People who don’t want to give up tiger parenting assume that the only alternative is doing nothing. But that’s not true. The very best parents I’ve ever met practice what I like to call duck parenting. Duck parenting is similar to what researchers refer to as authoritative parenting, which involves setting appropriate expectations without pushing them too hard.
Why call it duck parenting? Like ducks who look like they glide along effortlessly but actually paddle hard beneath the water, these parents provide intentional guidance for their children, even if the parents look like they’re not doing much. But unlike tiger parenting that encourages showing off, duck parenting encourages doing the necessary work without drawing all that attention to oneself.
Let’s face it, the era of the tiger mom is over. It’s time to make way for mother duck.
Note: The term ‘tiger mom’ is used this article because it is a widely used term in popular media. However, ‘tiger mom’ can be used interchangeably with ‘tiger parent’ or ‘tiger dad’ as well.
Dr. Kao is the Principal Adviser at Motivont, specializing in college admissions counseling and research for seniors G12. She has worked with 1000+ students in her 16-year career in education. In addition, she has evaluated applications for the Stanford Undergraduate Admissions Office. Dr. Kao holds a Stanford BA, Columbia MA, and Harvard PhD. For more info, visit motivont.com.
Next: Read more about effective parenting in The Truth About Tiger Moms and College Admissions.